I had no idea.....

I have had an inkling for a while now that I changed a lot in the past few years but I never knew how great my early 40's would be until yesterday. Yesterday was the very epitome of drama. Let's take a look at that word. Drama...I used to live for it in my 20's. I craved chaos like it was a drug. Drama kept me going and kept me in a spotlight. Drama got me attention. I was also quite irresponsible and that is drama's best friend. Other people's drama was just as good; I could come to the rescue of my friends and save the day. I also looked like quite the normal person and when you are pretty screwed up that is just a bonus. After I got married the drama wasn't quite as fun. The addiction had its' hold though. This is my version of chaos theory. Lots of drama and chaos plus the high you get from all of the action/attention/disruption it creates is my chaos theory. When you get that taste of chaos and drama in your life it can be awfully hard to give up. However I married a man who didn't understand the chaos theory. He didn't understand the meaning of drama. Add to this he was rapidly rising in the Navy and the Navy DOES NOT LIKE DRAMA. So I did what addicts do, I hid my drama by lying and covering up. Soon though I had children, a great job, a husband I adored and the drama was really becoming a burden. The problems I could create or become a part of in my life just enhanced in me an area of immaturity. An insecure, unconfident women who didn't embrace who she really was and had a hard time admitting she needed help. My mid to late 30's were hell. Eric should be given a medal for putting up with me through those years. Then one day, in my 40th year on this planet I woke up and ever so subtly started living my life responsibly and without giving a shit about anyone else's opinion. See, drama feeds off of irresponsiblity and other people's opinion's. If other people do not care then drama starves and dies. If you are a stand up person then you do not create drama in the first place. Once I decided I no longer cared what other people thought about what I looked like, weighed, said, thought, wore, how I raised my children, if I believed in God, the war or Bush, or whether I wore panties or not I was completely liberated on a level that is second only to nirvana. My marriage went through a rebirth that some can only get by going through therapy. I am a much better parent. I am happier more often. I still have my ups and downs. That is after all the definition of my manic depression. Financial responsiblity will forever be the monkey on my back. However I have a more vested interest in taking care of myself that I have never had before. I take care of me for me. I try to stay away from situations where the chaos theory is alive and well. I want to now. It keeps the drama out of my life. For the first time I'm happy to say that I'm just to old for that shit.